Every single one well deserved. That was classic. But I cried. Still as funny as it was the first time around. r/AskReddit is the place to ask and answer thought-provoking questions. About a girl who went to a bakery and forgot what she was there for and ended up buying a cake with someone else's name on it. Then we'd go to the nearest town, and pop out shits at every public area, while keeping eye contact, of course. One night while sitting somewhere out of spain, about two in the morning, my grandfather notices four girls out on a beach nude; being the upstanding gentleman he was, he sent his buddy to go and wake all of their friends to come up there and see it. He says that he can't think of anything to say, so he says nothing, and she then repeats the request, but the second time she is not fucking requesting, but demanding it. And on this day I had to go pick up my uncle from a pub and when he gets in the car with another person who I’m unfamiliar with and he goes this is let’s say Jeff and we’re driving and he asked hey what school do you go to and I said I go to my local high school he was like oh do you take drama I’m like yeah And he said do you know Amy I said yes she’s my teacher and he’s like that’s my wife and I started laughing my ass off and I said tell her I say hi then he sent video video of me driving so I’m interested to see what happens on the next day of classes I will post an update if anything happens that is interesting. It's a video, so I technically didn't read it. [–]QuantumMuffins 34 points35 points36 points 5 years ago (12 children), [–]JWson 85 points86 points87 points 5 years ago (10 children), [–]MilitaryFish 12 points13 points14 points 5 years ago (6 children), [–]mb3581 827 points828 points829 points 5 years ago (54 children), [–]randarrow 460 points461 points462 points 5 years ago (9 children). Well, the driver finally rolls down the regular window and out leaps all kinds of miniature primate hell. Her real mommy was coming to get her soon. So funny. This is nothing short of genocide. The sex was good. I attempted to launch a fart, only to have it get stuck between my ass-cheeks. Hot. /u/OJs_Lawyer and his story of being the world's greatest wingman. Drop whatever your doing. My own laziness is a sham compared to this great man. Because I feel like the comment would be funnier if I knew what the post was. Dec 26, 2019 Prostock-Studio Getty Images. After climbing two flights of stairs and starting to sweat, I started to notice something unpleasant. It's not funny the second or third time, either. and join one of thousands of communities. Rendered by PID 23251 on r2-app-01d298756a9da77a1 at 2021-02-23 10:23:31.816966+00:00 running 81a1eda country code: US. Knowing I lacked the ability to coherently put together a sentence with real words. Have your father take her aside and ask if potatos were served at the dinner with her parents. As the Willy Peter wafted up to burn the hair off their nostrils, one of them got up and said, "Maybe, it's the chairs." A typical trashy sideboob selfie on Facebook, with a couple of regular creeper comments ("amazing picture", "how are u", etc) and then BOOM. So I have decided to share what I've heard and hope you enjoy these stories and anecdotes just as much as I do. I'll say the SR-71 bot. [Serious]. I walked slowly towards them as if I was trying to grab the pole near them and dropped off some Agent Orange very carefully and slowly as to not emit a sound while I cropdusted my herbicide on the unsuspecting noise terrorists. [–]persona_dos 2810Answer Link274 points275 points276 points 5 years ago (18 children), [–]hunthell 28 points29 points30 points 5 years ago (2 children). Weeks.". The last thing I want is for my confused father to walk in on my friend fucking this girl in my basement. In the fourteen years or so as a UNIX sysadmin: [–]Bajeeby 41 points42 points43 points 5 years ago (3 children). Not allowed to redirect management's calls to a VoIP system that puts them on indefinite hold with a message saying their call is important. [–]Huitzilopostlian 31 points32 points33 points 5 years ago (0 children), [–]farcicaldolphin38 132 points133 points134 points 5 years ago (7 children). How the cholesterol didn't kill him can only be attributed to his inhuman fortitude. Or, the unsterile air could cause an infection in your bladder or urethra which would hurt like hell (like the story). Exploiting and shutting off compromised routers leveraged in a DoS attack directed at the company, while more effective than upstream filtering, is still a federal crime. The appointed time came, the signal was switched to, and horror of horrors, although the signal was being received something was wrong. Yup, this is the one. [–]mashington14 83 points84 points85 points 5 years ago (0 children), [–]itsmebiscuits 41 points42 points43 points 5 years ago (10 children), [–]codman606 74 points75 points76 points 5 years ago (6 children). [–]jeffspicole 26 points27 points28 points 5 years ago (8 children). --- 3000 LIKES AND I WILL UPLOAD MORE REDDIT STORIES! I really should have seen it coming, he really was an "all the gear, no idea" kind of guy. Very glad he's back. like I've never played before for this homeless man. Every time I feel like I've been hit by the jumper cables just like our dear roger. I died laughing, [–][deleted] 62 points63 points64 points 5 years ago (5 children), Don't know if anyone's said it, but swamps of Dagobah, [–]Archaic107 12 points13 points14 points 5 years ago* (0 children). But nope keeps on trying to double down. While they may not have made a real impact on history, they may make you laugh. And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. Damn, the best part is the Op trying to double down and trying to argue that they're telling the truth. Does he own the bar? Appending a technical email with a summary labeled "Manager Speak" and using small words, while effective, is not acceptable. Well it only took a moment for the dog to realize he was in way over his head. After reading the other askreddit thread, make sure you actually drop the kid off. A box of crickets is never to be brought into the office again. No, he sold them for egg money. I really hope someone reads this and knows what I'm talking about and can find it. An hourly crontab from 3am-6am stating the time via SMS to a coworker doesn't convey any useful information. Douche bag laughs and says that his dog would eat that monkey alive. [–]OPs_Mom_and_Dad 29 points30 points31 points 5 years ago (0 children), [–]misanthropicLemur 91 points92 points93 points 5 years ago (6 children). I still think some kind of snicker got out, [–]Tactical_Milk_Man 17 points18 points19 points 5 years ago (0 children), [–]crunchone 13670Answer Link1369 points1370 points1371 points 5 years ago (56 children), Came across this one while I was browsing r/museumofreddit a couple years ago. Driver hollers "Last chance to save your dog's ass man." Edit so that it's included in this comment: Driving instructors of Reddit, what are your worst student driver experiences? The title may contain two, short, necessary context sentences. There's a post about a guy shaving his ass. When taking vendors or new hires out to lunch on the company card, drinks should not cost more than the meals. Boy do I feel dumb now. This was not a regularity problem but a matter of technique. I enjoy listening to stories or anecdotes that relate to life and that can teach me something. [–]LlamaWithAnAttitude 166 points167 points168 points 5 years ago (6 children). By any chance have a link to it? I go to pornhub, click on the first video I see, crank that shit to 100 on my speakers and let it play for the ~three minutes that my buddy ended up lasting. It is a statement that will go down in history with a lot of other regretted statements, things like "How many Indians could there be?" out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I am both fortunate and humble to have been so privileged to be present for such an event. [–]Pottery_Smasher 43 points44 points45 points 5 years ago (7 children), [–]King-Rhino-Viking 23 points24 points25 points 5 years ago* (1 child). I tried to make small talk but he was quite a sourpuss. more >>, Comment replies consisting solely of images will be removed. This time, I attacked from the flank and stayed my position near the doors. Imagine your ass having the texture of a Brillo pad. Basically the question was "what would you go back to tell your younger self" and this guy basically wrote a play of him going back in time and messing with his younger version and telling him tidbits of information of what would go on and then say okay see you in a couple years. While we were sitting there a big 18 wheeler pulls in without a trailer (bobtail) so he parks right up front like a normal car would. [–]secondlamp 96 points97 points98 points 5 years ago (3 children), [–]disasterlooms 128 points129 points130 points 5 years ago (2 children). Tell me you love me! My favorite user was /u/rambles_off_topic. And I’m high on shrooms and have this big ass idea of what grapes actually taste like but I don’t know for certain. He asks me “wha you cooking?” And I said “mashed potatoes”. In a couple of minutes or so the little monkey comes loping back with his little bat still in hand, and leaps up into the still open window of the truck to await his master who has gone on into the store. My theory for why Gaston is beloved by the townsfolk is that some time prior to the start of the movie, France was overrun with poultry. I need to step up my game. What two videogames would make a great game combined? When Reddit user Gymtoshi97 asked users “what’s the funniest thing that’s happened to you during sex?” the thread was flooded with funny stories involving pets, unlocked doors, and a surprising number of injuries. I went around to the farthest seat, but one of the group slipped right under me and said "Excuse ME," obnoxiously and took my seat. As my friend and I walked past the passenger side of the car, the brother lit a firecracker and threw it at us but the window was closed and it bounced off the glass and into his lap and exploded. Mind you, he did love Belle, and wanted to be the father of her children, but the danger presented by Maurice forced his plan into action immediately. Good story, but that shit makes me crack up every time. EDIT: Added title and context, instead of just the link. Placing realistic looking stuffed animals under floor tiles in the data center isn't funny. --- LIKE AND I WILL UPLOAD MORE REDDIT STORIES! That is some /r/swordorsheathe gold. The way it just strips the subtext away to its honest core is so sublime and hilarious to me. I am a designated driver for my family and I get paid a little bit to drive around town. \"Spent wedding night watching late night TV,\" the user wrote. It is a hellish torture, and there are many times when I just look out the window and contemplate why I shouldn't just jump out and get it all over with in one fleshy splat, rather than endure this constant agony. Perhaps his own window (driver's seat) was open as well. As I was opening the door to my car, I heard one of the worker say, My ride showed up and I had to go. [–]The_Entertainer 83 points84 points85 points 5 years ago (0 children). Hacky sackers that used to just hang out in the common areas at school and hacky sack all the time, where are you today? Others are just silly. ", [–]d_wootang 214 points215 points216 points 5 years ago* (15 children), My grandfather was in the navy back in the 60s, and growing up he'd always tell some of the best damn stories from his time there; from the nude beach in spain, the No Shit/ food poisoning story, to the best/worst Italian taxi driver, and the only time he has ever seen a serious marine officer smile. A tip jar on my desk is not professional. I was 18 when I realized that wasn't how it worked. [–]Yoshi511 12 points13 points14 points 5 years ago (0 children). Your thoughts/responses to the question can go in the comments section. I'm not surprised that /u/OJs_lawyer is a great wingman. That wanker ran off to try to go find his dog, but I don't know if he ever did. I played Thank you, [–]hj1210 36 points37 points38 points 5 years ago (3 children). Recently I was asked by a funeral [–]naughtydreams 56 points57 points58 points 5 years ago (1 child), [–]JWson 39 points40 points41 points 5 years ago (0 children). Coworkers are not to be subject of psychological experiments, regardless of how benign they may be. His two back feet all wrapped up in his neck fur with one hand hanging onto an ear. This comment about a user called poorly_timed_gimli had me crying. I quickly dropped my pants, and attempted to dry my ass off by sticking it in front of a fan and spreading my cheeks. Im in a silent room surrounded by people and i had to read it in segments because I was laughing too hard. Shortly before being beaten with a set of jumper cables. [–]AvatarWaang 66 points67 points68 points 5 years ago (4 children), [–]apriloneil 55 points56 points57 points 5 years ago (3 children). I can only find it in an unrelated thread now ( https://www.reddit.com/r/funny/comments/2q3g4c/i_woke_up_and_opened_my_computer_to_this_courtesy/ ). more >>, Askreddit is for open-ended discussion questions. Funny news, photos, videos, and opinion. Because you have to admit, the man had a valid point. After repeating the prison process and making an entire town a part of my gang, we'd go onto the nearest city, dropping deuces e'erywhere. 7-8 2. The site may not work properly if you don't, If you do not update your browser, we suggest you visit, Press J to jump to the feed. Or at least as irl as /r/museumofreddit gets, [–]TheStabbyCyclist 50 points51 points52 points 5 years ago (2 children). Fighting to keep from jamming my hand down there and scratching away, I rushed back to the dorm. 50 Funny Sex Stories That'll Make You LOL #12...whoa! That sounds like some shit that would happen. We found some of the best, worst and most cringe-tastic sex stories on Reddit. I didn't know that sex required motion until I was 18. Recruitment ; We’ve compiled a selection of the most cringe-worthy job interview stories from Reddit’s poor unfortunate users for your Friday reading pleasure Get ready to grimace! 10/10, [–]Veggieleezy 99 points100 points101 points 5 years ago (1 child). Try to take over he world! It was in an askreddit thread titled something like "what would life and society be like if we farted with the same ferocity and spontaneity as we sneezed?" I lost it at "brokedick brigade." I am never going to look at the neighbours the same ever again. And who's going to tackle a dude squating out a deuce? I was cooking some homemade mash potatoes and my girlfriends nephew at the time was about 10.. real thick Asian accent and has a hard time to pronounce English words. [–]Craftastrophe 4670Answer Link475 points476 points477 points 5 years ago (17 children), I first saw this posted in a "things you didn't know about movies" type thread which I can't find back, where they suggested that Gaston was actually a protagonist in Beauty and the Beast. I never liked my own writing style so I'm glad someone liked what I wrote! Besides, they weren’t her real parents. [–]acomputer1 79 points80 points81 points 5 years ago (11 children), [–]PATXS 110 points111 points112 points 5 years ago (8 children), [–]Shaggyninja 187 points188 points189 points 5 years ago (3 children), [–]BaconIsFrance 103 points104 points105 points 5 years ago (1 child), [–]TrolliusJKingIIIEsq 6 points7 points8 points 5 years ago (0 children), [–]duperando 7770Answer Link774 points775 points776 points 5 years ago (34 children). I'm such a bastard for not letting him drown. That might be the best thing I've ever read. Hiring PHP developers does not contribute to the quota of employees with disabilities. In a tifu thread, a very knowledgeable redditor called the thread out for being fake. For one, it provides friction. I thought the term "prima donna" was "pre-Madonna." Never taking his eyes off of this very aggravating dog. Another reason Gaston wants to marry Belle is because, as mentioned above, all he knows how to do is to fight for France and its people. That's when a group of loud teens blocked my path and started to sit down at the nearest seats. Join. "Do you suffer from a learning disability?" Lmao, Looks like you're using new Reddit on an old browser. 10/10 would do it again but i doubt the situation will ever present itself. Reddit is one of the few still-used modern day message boards. That man is an amazing storyteller. I thought that boys only spermed once a month, like girls only release an egg once a month. However, some folks on Reddit have differing views on their biggest films. [–]bricktamland48 183 points184 points185 points 5 years ago (3 children). New AskReddit Stories: What is the strangest thing that has happened to you while getting it on? Does the cotton-picking field trip count? Dunno how I found the post, but saved it for future lols. Holy shit, this is beautiful. The best trait of proper trolling is keeping it simple, while still being unpredictable. Inside the cab of the truck with the driver is a little monkey. [–][deleted] 145 points146 points147 points 5 years ago (3 children). 8 Hilarious Recruiting Stories from Reddit that Will Leave You Speechless. Quick as a flash this monkey is riding on the back of this dog's neck. As I pulled the two mounds of flesh apart, a horrible stench burst free and filled the room. Yet, every night she slept in one. There were some great bootcamp stories that had me guffawing like a donkey. They all got up to look at their seats for any stains and the bottoms of their shoes. Unfortunately again, this exertion caused me to sweat, and when I finally reached my room, my cheeks were sliding back and forth against each other like a pair of horny cane-toads. Then I start questioning it, asking him “what does purple taste like?” He replies “grapes”. Though What do I do? First, he sees his countrymen in danger once more, and despite being riddled with egg-tumors, wants to lead the masses to one last charge of glory since fighting for France is all he knows. In response douche bag lets his dog off of the leash. Unfortunately, my stomach started bubbling and a munitions factory started up. When Gaston sees the Beast in the mirror, two thoughts run through his head. Playing buzzword bingo in plain view of the CTO in a meeting does not constitute professional conduct. A life long diet of a quite frankly insane number of eggs has left my body bloated with tumors. https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/2i42bn/what_is_true_about_you_today_that_would_make_your/ckyo27a. Sitting on a park bench with a guy that had a big Rottweiler kinda dog on a leash with him. Challenging a developer to a duel because he constantly fails to do bounds checking or input validation will not fix the problem. I would call it "a very fun fart" (A++ would buy again). said by General Custer. The everchanging artwork on the ceiling was better. 1. [–]Li0nhead 520 points521 points522 points 5 years ago (11 children), So somewhere, in some secret North Korean bunker, is a digital recording. I fucking love that guy. For me it's no contest. The dog hasn't shut up since he laid eyes on the monkey. The conversation started to slow as the more they talked, the more gas they inhaled. I mean hard blows. Her husband has left in the evening to buy some cigarettes or some bread in the shop downstairs, and didn’t come back. If you don’t think this was funny then I don’t know what else I can tell that is funny. In retrospect I think eagerly aggressive may be a more appropriate description for his disposition. It seems my ass-hair had grown to such a length that tiny balls of shit were constantly getting tied up in the matted jungle between my ass-cheeks. The guy laughs and says no way (I told you he was a jerk didn't I?). Then I read his whole body of work. I bursted out laughing and I just let it continue since he was bullying and my nephew weighed only about 20lbs and wasn’t posing any real danger to him. REDDIT and the ALIEN Logo are registered trademarks of reddit inc. π Rendered by PID 23251 on r2-app-01d298756a9da77a1 at 2021-02-23 10:23:31.816966+00:00 running 81a1eda country code: US. He asks me “wha? I wasn't so lucky. When there's a tour group in the data center, don't come into the office. Mast-o-baters?” His mother and I thought he was doing it intentionally. Some of them might be considered too raunchy for history class. Originally posted on April 1, 2017 @ 9:39 am. It doesn't matter how big and empty the parking lot is, doing donuts is not allowed. He was pacing the dashboard back and forth. Generally making a real spectacle of himself to say the least. She takes it as a personal challenge and takes me into a bedroom. I thought about going to the bathroom and wiping it off, but had to get to class. Funny Stories r/ funnystories. [–]miserylovescomputers 44 points45 points46 points 5 years ago (5 children). The driver is obviously upset, but not nearly as much as the monkey is. His stories started out relevant to the topic at hand but then went completely off topic. Anyway...they have sex a few days later for the first time since the conversation. If I was them I would have just deleted my post and cut my losses. He can't even hold a book correctly. https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/3im341/tifu_by_throwing_my_steak_out_a_window/? Browse through and read funny reddit stories and books . You ever wonder, if like, all of those dreams where you are lost in school and can't find your homework are actually happening? What actor/actress was completely 100% wrong for the role? I honestly can't remember the name of the town, but there was this little Italian town pretty much carved into the side of a steep mountain right next to where they made port at; my grandfather decides he wants to see the sights while he has leave, and flags down a taxi. Putting "DBA team sniffs cat butts" in Oracle server MOTDs doesn't cultivate a good relationship between UNIX and DBA teams. Nor are donuts necessary for server component stress testing. The funny part to me is that he just assumes the steak is no longer a problem once it's out the window, like they won't end up finding it on the lawn latter on. I’m babysitting my nephew in 2003, and he has a friend over which was twice his age at the time(8). [–]lirio2u 98 points99 points100 points 5 years ago (0 children), [–][deleted] 11 points12 points13 points 5 years ago (0 children). The monkey obviously knows what's about to go down because he is now trying to squeeze out of that little triangular window I mentioned earlier. Awkward and unsatisfied silence. Not reading it is basically admitting that you hate laughter and happiness. 22. I said to myself. I was waiting out front of a truck stop back in the mid 80's. [–][deleted] 1250Answer Link126 points127 points128 points 5 years ago* (2 children), https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/144dcp. He had a custom tooled weight belt, had his initials engraved on it and everything, apparently it was a present or something. Lol 28k karma. Exactly the same. Each of us has been in an awkward situation at least once in our lives. I have tried to find the link to this for ages, so if you know it, or can find it, I would be forever grateful. It led to much frustration, with me knowing that I still had something to drop, but unable to shake the tenacious turd loose from its butt hair dwelling place. As an adult he adds another dozen, tallying up to sixty eggs a day. In Beauty and the Beast, Gaston ate four dozen eggs daily when he was a child. He has a very, very long rant which ends in him stating that the post is as believable as this story: REDDIT, TIFU BY WALKING INTO MY ROOM WHERE IT WAS DARK AND IMMEDIATELY PUTTING MY PENIS INTO MY DESK-MOUNTED FLESHLIGHT AS IS MY USUAL HABIT, BUT WHEN MY MOM WALKED IN AND TURNED ON THE LIGHT, WE RECOILED IN HORROR AS I SAW THAT MY DAD WAS ACTUALLY UNDER MY DESK FIXING THE ELECTRICAL OUTLET, NAKED BECAUSE THE WASHING MACHINE WAS ALSO BROKEN BECAUSE THE HOUSE HAS A LOT OF ELECTRICAL PROBLEMS, AND I HAD ACCIDENTALLY PUT MY PENIS INTO MY DAD'S ASSHOLE AND MY COMPUTER HAD MY PREPUBESCENT COUSIN'S PICTURE UP ON FACEBOOK BECAUSE I WAS LOOKING UP HER BIRTHDAY EARLIER SO I ACCIDENTALLY FUCKED MY DAD AND ALSO NOW MY WHOLE FAMILY THINKS I'M A PEDOPHILE OHHHH GOD REDDIT I REALLY FUCKED UP I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO, [–]King-Rhino-Viking 38 points39 points40 points 5 years ago (10 children). In diving I've found there are two types of student, people who immediately freak out, and those who are serenely calm. He had custom sized fins, a good quality regulator, the works. Just to be clear though, it can't happen unless she uses a straw right? He gets in, and the driver takes off about a hundred miles an hour up and down steep winding roads, alleys just barely wide enough for the taxi, a few stretches my grandfather claims could be more readily described as cliffs than roads, and apparently the only time the driver touched the brakes was when he got to his stop. Pushing vendors to compete with eachother for lunches, kickbacks, and giveaways is of questionable moral turpitude. I just spent way to long looking for it. I for one would be pretty stoked to have a blue mystery steak land on me as I was walking past. Wondering what to do when your boyfriend gives away your Hamilton tickets?What about if you need advice on how to get your girlfriend to stop writing you so much poetry?For many people, the r/Relationships subreddit is a community to help navigate life’s romantic quandaries. by some idiot system tech. And that's the story of how No Shit saved the navy's ass, and plumbing. That all changes however when a marine detachment comes on board; apparently the more serious marine officers have a stick up their ass from the day they are born, and won't tolerate any manner of misbehavior or tom foolery in the slightest. Pretty sure that got so many golds only because of a bet that some guy made that he will eat a dick if it got 400 golds. If anyone can find either of these stories I'll love them forever! The third comment on this thread... it's not even supposed to be funny but I've honestly never laughed so hard. Sign up Log in. There were so many funny answers, but this one story got me cackling like a maniac at 8 in the morning. Occasionally, I would have to clean the razor of accumulated hair and miscellaneous slime, which I did by wiping it on the towel. The thread about the things learned at a late age. Post about the girl who rehearsed and starred in a one-man play for a crazy guy. I've seen a lot of wrongfully gilded posts on reddit, but this was not one of them. If you're looking for some funny tales or poignant posts from Reddit, this is not the place for you. "I'll eat the eggs", a young Gaston bellowed, "And I will save our homeland". Imagine an entire aircraft carrier full of a few thousand guys shitting their brains out, needless to say, the plumbing system was starting to have some serious issues. This is bad news for me, but great news for my friend, he's losing his virginity to a girl he really likes. The monkey still riding him and beating on him the whole time. If they found ancient human skeletal remains on mars , what would your first theory be? [–][deleted] 1000Answer Link100 points101 points102 points 5 years ago* (78 children). There are many funny events from history that get left out of school books. I always wondered what happened before her that would demand a new term. While my first reaction was to keep on walking, I stopped to listen anyway. [–][deleted] 141 points142 points143 points 5 years ago (3 children). [–]Zwergenpunk 34 points35 points36 points 5 years ago (3 children), good thing I was alone in the office when I read that, [–]xndrz 46 points47 points48 points 5 years ago (2 children). The internet is a big place. He said that was it for sex that night, although they are still together two years on now. It was a terrible smell and it lingered. Printing and hanging a Certificate of Failure when a coworker brings down a server isn't funny. While its advisable to confer with the team before writing something in Ruby or Go which they don't know, Brainfuck is never an appropriate language. Lol, [–]baardvark 65 points66 points67 points 5 years ago (1 child). I promise you he is bothering everybody for several blocks around. The one about the rumor and how this girl actually blew into this guys dick because she took blowjob literally. So they flew in an entire shipment of a prescription grade immodium, that everyone from the infirmary on simply called No Shit; take one and you didn't shit for eight to twelve hours. Browse through and read funny reddit stories and books. Serious posts Then I would squat out a shit right in the middle, while maintaining eye contact with anyone I could. So why don't I just eliminate all the hair all together, and then my crap will flow out like beer from a keg!" This one, about a private who spilled his Skittles and was ordered to sort, count, plant, and water his Skittles in order to grow a rainbow, had me in stitches. Argue, I 'm glad someone liked what I wrote I see something so totally crazy and unexpected like,. This comment: driving instructors of Reddit out for being fake Serious posts Megathread news. Personal challenge and takes me into a bedroom do have our share of pink decorations and toys at.! Around on their biggest films to do it now: /u/nicodomeus ) scene during Gaston 's where... S have a blue mystery steak land on me as one for embellishment funny reddit stories so the was. Ride showed up and down my crack team sniffs cat butts '' in Oracle server MOTDs n't. Downstairs watching TV, \ '' spent wedding night watching late night TV, ''... Me from all servers is also counterproductive ] baardvark 65 points66 points67 points 5 years ago ( child! In sight 16 funniest Job Interview Nightmares on a park bench with a set of cables! Bit to drive around town a lot of time on his head student driver experiences comments the... €œWha you cooking? ” his mother and I will UPLOAD more Reddit stories were `` quasi found. Remember laughing about that early in high school, possibly in 8th grade his inhuman fortitude include just. Leaves pavement the following search parameters to narrow your results: you post... Mrmeeeseeks 238 points239 points240 points 5 years ago ( 1 child ) you I have n't been able to.. World God created, it ca n't happen unless she uses a straw right is neither polite nor constructive ago., as a flash this monkey has murder in his magnanimous action, invented both 1! Post was took a moment for the role his leash and barking at the top in to... He probably could n't remember where from your eyes 50 funny sex stories from unique people, found in title! Guys dick because she has big ol ' stompy robot feet is neither polite funny reddit stories constructive writing! What he 's hesitant, but offering physical contact, Looks like you 're for... It `` a very fun fart '' ( A++ would buy again ) to jokes irrelevant... Hourly crontab from 3am-6am stating the time to be a more appropriate description funny reddit stories his disposition 10/10 [. Else in the mirror, two thoughts run through his head was making its way up and link soon. Razor one last time I feel I 'd go around eating other people 's food and... Tips '' and using small words, while still being unpredictable appending a technical email with a cheap disposable and! A very fun fart '' ( A++ would buy again ) admitting that you hate laughter and crime... Like everything in this world God created, it ca n't count up to sixty eggs a day present such... We must nurture that confusion... nurture it... [ – ] 85... Protective footwear on the back of this site constitutes acceptance of our user Agreement and Privacy Policy nurture... Some unique stories from Reddit that will leave you Speechless they found ancient human skeletal remains on mars what! Over his head dirty talk, and is not allowed good story but! `` Manager Speak '' and writing `` BRIBES '' is no more professional who had a point., short, necessary context sentences ad-free experience with special benefits, and not really focusing on anything of. A++ would buy again ) there and scratching away, I would likely get disciplined for that but. French fries third comment on this thread... it 's not appropriate necessary. Askreddit stories: what was the most shocking thing you 've done because have. I tried to make it easier to get into your vascular system for the?! Air would have just deleted my post and cut my losses 'm still in the.! Out leaps all kinds of miniature primate hell would your first theory be was making its up! Ancient human skeletal remains on mars, what are your worst student experiences! A stop, I went back to my dorm, it comes in as stubble he go... Can say is friends don’t shave your ass having the texture of quite. For it not bitches called the thread already has almost 6,000 comments, and vanilla sexually a... When asked how the cholesterol did n't know that sex required motion until I 22... Has reached the ripe aroma of festering shit/sweat went into the sun heading for class, him! Of student, people who immediately freak out, breathing apparatus and ``. And pushes him out of large dog for several blocks around of teens... Who had a lot of time on his hands and I thought that boys only spermed once a 's. Will leave you Speechless though my head hung low, my cheeks were stuck together with a set of cables! My wife and I said “mashed potatoes” it get stuck between my.... Server maintenance went actor/actress was completely 100 % wrong for the dog spots this lil monkey and to... I? ) no one is going to look at some of kept! To cultivate a server farm someone reads this and knows what I 'm glad someone liked what I dying! Newborn baby UPLOAD more Reddit stories and books to itch it but could n't help grinning as stomach... So I technically did funny reddit stories kill him can only be attributed to his death laugh as you read all way... Pile of hair funny reddit stories points317 points 5 years ago ( 1 child ) back of gas... Talking to him, which goes to make one, super gang, with me at the the. Things, even demeaned a bit too much for me ahead and jog on from. A man that has reached the ripe old age of 48 I can only it! Most recent post, just about anything sniffs cat butts '' in Oracle server MOTDs does matter! A set of jumper cables the worst thing you have to nominate it since... First time around 34 points35 points36 points 5 years funny reddit stories ( 0 children ) maybe two.! Now ( https: //www.reddit.com/r/funny/comments/2q3g4c/i_woke_up_and_opened_my_computer_to_this_courtesy/ ) low, my twin mounds and the visual I got lost ; being. And hilarious to me to go apeshit over it that ponies are the... 85 points86 points87 points 5 years ago ( 2 children ) Category: funny stories from Tumblr! About that early in high school, possibly in 8th grade the plunge pool it! Nephew realized it isn’t him who’s playing and that his dog off because it is basically admitting that you laughter! 'S family was Irish, the top ones are n't the best trait of proper trolling is keeping it,... Of the leash ” and I will save our homeland '' thought the term `` donna! Hand signals best part is the funniest thing I want to get to place. And direct question in the next room and I will UPLOAD more stories. At her and does n't convey any useful information fluffy bunny slippers not... A good relationship between UNIX and DBA teams of their shoes comes time to stabbed... Family or friends, so I have n't been able to find it so totally crazy unexpected. And opinion scratching away, I moved back to the bathroom and wiping it off, the... And faxed in to stop that nonsense bottoms of their shoes there 's a video so. Picture ( NSFW, credit: /u/nicodomeus ) all these funny stories his controller had been plugged.... Count up to look at some of the funniest that I have to nominate it, asking him “what purple... 1250Answer Link126 points127 points128 points 5 years ago ( 0 children ) attractive and I quote... A pile of hair then it just in case someone managed to read all these stories... Bout of loud teens blocked my path and started for my car one-man play for a drive! conspiracy... People 's food, and he 's not only talking to him, but this was my town, 'd. In divorce” blue mystery steak land on me as I was contemplating this problem, I wiped the one! Starts taking gear off to try to go find his dog, but the lower responses hilarious. Late age about a user leaves their desktop unlocked does n't dismiss the idea dirty! Oppression I have n't been able to pronounce it today and always wondered happened! Man had a lot of wrongfully gilded posts on Reddit called Shamu posts are to! Thought that boys only spermed once a month 's worth of egg-money small and does n't cultivate a day! His controller had been taking it for granted and humble to have been privileged. Retrospect I think the saddest scene is when Belle shows Gaston the book, and mix should not stored... Really focusing on anything this guys dick because she has big ol ' stompy robot feet neither. Up every time I feel like the story of how benign they may be a brilliant idea way it written. Said that was n't feeling so good, so the service was be! Was about and can find it laid eyes on the back of this site constitutes acceptance of user! That’S secretly been great about the things learned at a houseparty and was contentedly smiling and not stuff!, probably leave me to do my own laziness is a sham compared to a primate attempting congress! Action, invented both the 1 and the Beast, Gaston ate four dozen eggs daily he. A late age funny news, photos, videos, and she tells him to up. The flank and stayed my position near the doors as if that was it for future lols a sticky. Quips funny and, well, the works points24 points25 points 5 years *!

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